I think I am an enigma.
I know and fully acknowledge that my standards as far as romantic relationships go are very high. I look for particular things in a guy and my list of potential deal breakers is a long one. In the past I’ve settled for people I didn’t feel quite met my expectations, but lately I’ve stopped bothering even trying to start a relationship with someone unless it feels 100% right. In other words, I’ve stopped bothering trying to start a relationship with anyone. I’ve kind of begrudgingly resolved that there may never be anyone who will truly be what I want/need them to be, so I’m patiently waiting in the corner and hoping that one day someone will sweep me off my feet, blow my mind, and make me forget about all of the things that could potentially go wrong.
The other side of this interesting coin is that I fear that I will never be good enough… or I guess just plain enough for the person I actually want to be with. If I’m completely infatuated with someone, it’s a guarantee that I am also utterly terrified of screwing it up somehow. I don’t want to be too clingy or too distant, move to slow or too fast, put myself out there too much or be too reserved. It’s hard to know what the right balance is because it varies from person to person. This gives me awful anxiety, and sometimes as a result of assuming a guy is losing interest at every step of the way, I kill a potential romance before it even has the chance to start.
You would think with such high standards I would be completely confident that I could achieve those standards. But here I am, feeling like I’m constantly reaching out of my league, but not willing to settle for anything less. I wouldn’t say I have trouble meeting guys or that no one is ever interested in me, but I see myself being happier alone than with someone who is not everything I’m looking for. I want to find the person who is everything I’m looking for. I want to believe he exists out there somewhere. There have been a handful of guys in the past who I genuinely liked and saw a future with, but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, who’s to know…) I wasn’t what they were looking for. So maybe that’s just what I’ve come to expect. My experience tells me that any guy I truly care for will leave.
The thing is, I fully grasp the concept of just not clicking with someone; it’s happened to me many times. It’s not personal, it’s not even really logical, it’s just that the spark isn’t there. And in my mind I know that is likely what happened with the small percentage of guys I was super into. But my heart can’t get on board with that and just falls under the weight of “what is so wrong with me?” I hate that feeling, and I hate the thought of making anyone else feel that way even more, so it’s an endless struggle between optimism for the good that could come out of trying something new, and realism about how badly it could end.
This issue may seem more potent at the moment because everyone around me seems to be finding the loves of their lives all at the same time, and I’m still flying quite solo. I will say that surprisingly, I’m not as sad about it as I probably would have been a year, or even 6 months ago. I have matured enough as a person that the happiness I feel for my friends’ successes outweighs any negative feelings I have regarding my own experiences. And honestly, “sad” probably isn’t even the right word at all. I’m more… contemplative. Budding relationships naturally bring these thoughts to the front of my mind. So here I am, pouring my heart out to a computer screen.
Ultimately I guess the fact of the matter is that I haven’t found the one yet. No amount of introspection, beating myself up, wondering, or worrying will change that. It has to happen when it’s meant to happen. All I can do is hope that moment is as beautiful as I’ve always believed it will be.
Until then… the eternal battle rages on.